I can’t even fathom what it would be like to talk to you guys again.
I feel like this is the only way I know how- and still it’s not even you. I can only provide the smallest amount of comfort in an attempt to emulate what it was like when you were around.
I just want to talk to you– but maybe I don’t.
My hyper-defensive mindset is forcing me to think that you wouldn’t be happy for me, or proud, or anything positive towards me for that matter.
This is something I have a really hard time thinking about- whether or not you would like me. I’m not how I expected to be. In some ways, I’m better than I thought I would be, but at the same token I think that maybe I’m ultimately disappointing.
I feel as if I keep excusing my behavior as a method to “cope” even though if I can recognize that, I can recognize that I need to stop– and I’ll stop. But I’m not there yet, which just puts me in this headlock of frustration with a hint of self-loathing. How can I be so stupid? This is the first- the only opportunity that was given to me like this. I’ll never be as comfortable, as happy, as safe as I am right now. Which is because I’m cutting corners, being lazy. I hate that about myself.
Sorry for not doing better at most things, I think I have a good future ahead of me and I owe that 100% to you. I think that the short amount of time I got to know you really influenced a lot of who I am, how I behave and interact. I hear it in my voice, I hear you in my voice. More than anything.