Spoken by myself three years ago.
I wish we thought this through… No, wait. There was nothing to think through, and I don’t think taking it slow would have helped either. I wish I could have seen it all in hindsight, but I was too busy pushing forward and the terminal velocity of my affections probably would have continued on their track, regardless of our circumstances at that time. You scare me, I can’t believe you actually scare me. This all moved too fast, my heart was accelerating with speed every second that it got closer to hitting the floor, my mind didn’t even have a chance of catching up.
It moved so fast, and every obstacle that should have made it stop or at least slowed it down missed every single time. You’d think that the possessiveness and the lack of respect would have made me realize that something was wrong, or at least it definitely wasn’t right. It wasn’t right, but you see, I couldn’t understand what that uneasy feeling was because somebody once told me that butterflies felt something like that. I was too vulnerable, too easy to allow access to myself when all I was really looking for was a hand to hold but you were gripping onto my wrist until the tips of my fingers were purple.
Once I woke up, once I realized that I wasn’t a christian and more importantly that I wasn’t yours, I felt as if it were too late. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody would look up. I was alone in our relationship, I was alone in my life. I am alone in life. My arms are imprinted by your fingertips and I think that might last forever. I’m lower than I can comprehend and not because we broke up, but because I am still alone and I have no one that I can share this with because I am told that “This is your fault” and that I “let this happen” that everyone around me was fighting for me yet I don’t recall any visits or phone calls when I wouldn’t, couldn’t, go to school or when I stopped looking people in the eyes.
Spoken by myself today.
When you get out of an abusive relationship, there are some steps to follow. There are tons but i’m going to simplify it down to eight. One, realize that it was abuse. You are not dramatic, you are injured. Two ask your friends to understand, if they’re still around. If they aren’t, make sure you don’t spend the next few months by yourself, you need someone around to reassure you that you are more than a victim of violence. Three, look at your life and realize how beautiful it is to belong to one’s self. Four, do something daring- it may be travel, it may a tattoo, just surprise yourself. Five, do not let anyone tell you that you are wrong. Do not rethink your emotions, for those are more set in stone that anyone gives them credit for. If anything inside of you feels violated, you did not deserve it. Six, repeat that. You did not deserve it, “I did not deserve that”. Seven, do not miss them. Do not miss them for hours at a time or in passing, do not miss the way they would apologize or even how they smelled. And definitely do not tell them if you do. Eight, this last step will take years, maybe forever. I wouldn’t know, given the fact that I am infinities short of a forever. When you meet someone new, look them in the eyes, search for a reason why you should trust them. Trust will be hard to establish. Tell them your stories, you need them to understand, you need to feel exposed to them. Look them in the eyes, realize that they are beautiful and the galaxies that you claimed to have seen before will seem practically fraudulent. Fall in love with yourself. This is not a step because I am begging you to start and never stop.