1 (800) 273-8255

“I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave.” Neil Hilborn, a popular slam poet, describes suicide this way. I love this depiction. I’ve never claimed to be suicidal, or even thought I was because there’s this stigma.
You see, suicidal kids are apathetic and suicidal kids wear all black, suicidal kids don’t want to make anything of themselves and better yet, suicidal kids have depression. Do you see what I did there? I didn’t say “are depressed” I said “have depression”. Like a back pack that a teenager carries home and back each day but isn’t quite able to take it off. See, reader, that’s the difference between suicidal kids and me.
Reader, don’t freak out. I don’t want to die. But the option has always felt viable to me. Its obvious that me, and many people do not actually want to die. Maybe it’s just instinct, but you move out of the way of cars when you cross the road, you don’t stay out in the cold, you definitely wouldn’t walk on a pond with thin ice. Because the difference between wanting to die and being suicidal is so large but yet so small.
It’s about terms; you would die on your own terms. How can that be considered “wanting to die”? Maybe i’m naive, call me out, please. You want to kill yourself, you don’t want to die. You want to be the one to make the call at the perfect moment, you want to be the criminal and the victim. You need to die in your own beautiful, protagonist way.
It’s assumed that 750,000 suicide attempts are made a year, 1 in 25 of these attempts leads to death. In young adults, this is the leading cause. Even more crazy, most everyone who has tried to end their life and failed has admitted that they, like a switch, suddenly realized they didn’t actually want to die. It’s all a stigma. You don’t want to die, just like I don’t want to die, and thousands of people don’t want to die. If you read this and are unconvinced about the worth of your mortality, tell me. Or call this number
1 (800) 273-8255


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